Thursday, 17 September 2015

Coming back to life

I guess you could say I'm thawing out.
I feel as though I've been frozen in time. Watching life going on whilst I potter around, waiting for the ice to melt.

Describing depression to somebody who's never experienced it before is difficult. It's hard to make people understand the way our bodies are often working on auto pilot; we're there, but we're not really there.

It's a very dark place where no matter if the sun is shining, and if the ones you love are around you laughing and enjoying life, you can't help but be deafened by those unkind internal voices that say 'you're a failure, you have no future, you are just awful. Everything is awful'. It seems an impossible task to shake off those dark, heavy clouds that engulf you from the moment you wake.

The problem is I'm actually a really happy, funny, positive person; but I suffer from major depression. Much like many seemingly 'normal' people do.

You don't chose to be this way, you just get lumbered with an illness, much like your friend who has diabetes, or your next door neighbour who has cancer. A mental illness is no less important than a physical illness. It certainly takes enough lives so it is sad that it's not talked about as much as it should be.

I don't know exactly when it started, or when it left, or whether it was really there for the whole time or not; but it was there. And it broke up my life and left it in pieces. So now I have to rebuild it again and try not to fall into the same patterns that led me to getting so bad in the first place.

Now that I'm out of the thick of it I can appreciate once again that life is a gift. Depression is an illness of which there is no magical cure, but with the right people around you, the appropriate self help (medication, therapy, mindfulness - whatever works best for you) and the patience to ride out the turbulent waves, it is possible to come back to life again after a major depressive episode.

I'm looking forward to easing myself back into work again and being kind to myself about the fact I'm taking on a fraction of the responsibility and pay I had before. I'm looking forward to being maid of honour for my best friend's wedding next week. I'm looking forward to writing more songs to complete my album. I'm looking forward to finding somebody who loves me for all of me, not just my good side.
Most importantly, I'm looking forward. And that's enough for me for now.
Cue the cheesy motivational Pintrest quotes ;)


**If you're suffering from depression, anxiety, or any kind of mental illness and you want a place to talk openly, without judgement with likeminded people, please feel free to join our friendly One in Four community here.**